More Epitaphs

This is a tomb with quite a view
Do come in, there's room for you.
But hearken, dear mortal,
And mind me well
For I warn you now
The view is from HELL!

My wife she met with an early demise,
but she can still see, I kept her eyes.

This Space for Rent

In perfect health,
died in a sudden & unexpected manner,
while reading tombstones.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well I bet
Since it's well fed
By your body down below

While living folks my tomb do view,
Remember well - there's room for you!

To follow thee is not my intent
Unless I know which way thou went

I shopped, I bought
In debt, I rot

In heavy traffic he'd never postpone
A single call on his cell phone
So listen closely and I vow
He's still asking "Can you hear me now?"

Too much candy made Billy burst
They boxed up the pieces in the hearse

Beneath this stone lies a merry lass
Who aimed for the brake and hit the gas

First a cough that carried me off
Then in a coffin they carried me off in

He caught a fishbone in his throat
Which made him sing an angel's note

Bob took time off work
By bourbon required
Then he took to the road
Now he's semi-retired

Once I wasn't and then I was
And now I ain't all over again

When your razor is dull but you need a shave
Think of the man who lies in this grave

Any day above ground is a good day

Rest in peace, dear Cousin Hewitt,
We all know that you didn't do it.

Farewell my young companions all
From death's arrest no age is free
Remember this, a warning call
Prepare to follow after me

The wise, the sober and the brave
Must try the cold and silent grave.

Time was I stood where thou dost now
And viewed the dead as thou dost me
Before long you'll be as low as me
While others stand and gaze at thee

Stop by here, my friends, as you pass by
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now so you still must be.
Prepare for death and follow me.

Sweet Rosie O'Grady
Carpenters daughter by birth
She decided 'twas time to leave this Earth
She swallowed a tape measure
But dying by inches is hard
So she went out in the garden
And died there by the yard

We all have a debt to nature due
I've paid mine - and so must you.

Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' more than he could pay

Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she's at rest and so am I.

It does my heart a world of good
To see you buried in a box of wood
You slept with them all when you were a-creepin'
Now you sleep alone while worms start to seep in.
In loving memory from your grieving widow...

Expert gardener Pete Moss
Is now enriching the soil

Ruth and Johnny, side by side,
Went out for an auto ride
They hit a bump - Ruth hit a tree
And John kept going
Ruthlessly.

She was a suicide blonde -
Dyed by her own hand.

The hyacinthine boy for whom
Morn well might break and April bloom.

On the 22nd day of June
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune

This stone was raised to Sarah Ford,
But not Sarah's virtues to record
For they're well known to all the town
No Lord - it was raised to keep her down!

Life is a jest, and all things show it -
I thought so once and now I know it!

Pass on, reader, and don't waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme
For what I am this stone insures,
And what I was is no affair of yours.

Loving and kind in all their ways,
Upright and just to the end of their days.
Sincere and true in Heart and Mind,
What a beautiful memory they left behind

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease -
He is not here, there's only his pod.
He shelled out his peas and went to his God.

When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten,
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!

He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,
And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.

Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.

You reading this stone should really know,
The chap buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree, thus removing his head!

All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away

He said he knew he ought to quit
With every cigarette that he lit
So now his butt will always lie
In the big ashtray in the sky

Anna Retsick always wanted to be thin
Wishing she looked like bones and skin
Saying no to every dish
Now at last she got her wish

This is a tomb with quite a view
Do come in, there's room for you
But hearken, dear mortal,
And mind me well
For I warn you now
The view is from HELL

Born of women
Killed by lead
He most likely had
Your wife in bed

Stephen and time
Are now both even
Stephen beat time
But now time's beat Stephen

I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And I here I lay -
Carolina dead!

He was so brave
He was so cute
Until he forgot
His parachute

He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends
It made a lovely light!

1890 - The light of my life has gone out.
1891 - I have struck another match!

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Blown upward, out of sight
He traced the leak by candle light.

Daughter of virtue! Moist thy tear.
This tomb of love and honor claim;
For thy defense the husband here,
Laid down in his youth his life and fame.

Her last look we shall never forget,
Though hard to see her expire.
She smiled as she bade us adieu
And said she was going up higher.

He passed from our sight
Like a dream or a story
From a bosom of love
To a mansion of glory.

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels

She was dear as life could be
Hath crossed alone the narrow sea
Why should we fear the distant shore
Since she we loved has gone before

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin'
So he sought for repose a twelve-dollar coffin.

Lived a life of stress and worry
Rushing through it in a hurry
Didn't stop to smell the roses
But now he feeds them as he decomposes

Beneath this stone is our pal Richard
His fall from the Space Needle
Left the sidewalk fissured

The curtain made it's final call
For our wonderfully operatic Paul
Thought the orchestra pit was
Ten more steps when he went splat
He forgot to C# so now he B-flat

"Checkmate!" was the call
To dear old Jon
On the chessboard of life,
He was just a pawn

Maria has gone to the Pearly Gate
For once in her life, she wasn't late!

He said "No net!" and knew no fear
He made a misstep and wound up here

Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deemed it quite a bore
And now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needeth bread no more.

He found a rope and picked it up
And walked away with it.
It happened to the other end
A horse was hitched, they say.
They took the rope and tied it up
Unto a hickory limb.
It happened that the other end
Was somehow hitched to him!

Beneath this stone, we lie
Back to back, my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up, then I'll lie still

Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free
For holding it in
Was the killing of me!

Life is a jest and all things show it
I thought so once, but now I know it.

You might be a king or just a street sweeper
But sooner or later, you dance with the reaper

Killed by a lion, poor Betty Lou
While feeding it at Woodland Park Zoo
Such a shame she was not wiser -
Since she ended up his appetizer

I was alive, but now I'm not
So now I lay here, continuing to rot.
Please be kind. Please be sincere,
And next time you visit, please bring me a beer!

Poor little Lily - Now food for worms
She didn't use soap and caught some germs

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boost of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.

Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.

I am not grieved, my dearest wife.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
The ghost of my body
is watching you

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