Here Lies Epitaphs

Here lies my wife in earthy mould
Who when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking
Lest she should wake and rise up talking!

Here lies a miser who lived for himself,
Who cared for nothing but gathering wealth.
Now where he is and how he fares;
Nobody knows and nobody cares.

Here lies Mr. I. B. Crisp
Fixed the toaster with a knife
Got the shock of his short life!

Here lies old Mrs. Derns
Now being eaten by lots of worms.

Here lies cold and hard
The last cat that pooped in my yard.

Here lies John Yeast,
Pardon him for not rising.

Here lies the remains of dear old Randy
A heck of a guy, but now worm candy.

Here lies the Pillsbury Dough Boy
He will rise again!

Here lies Billy Brown
Lost at sea and never found

Here lies dearly departed Bill
He always lied and he always will
He lied once too often and now he lies still

Here lies Ben, whose life was full
Until he tried to milk a bull

Here lies Ned
There is nothing more to be said
Because we like to speak well of the dead

Here lies the body of my sweet sister;
She was just fine 'til Dracula kissed her

Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here I lie because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
But here I lie as warm as they.

An amiable father here lies at rest
As ever God with his image blest.
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, the guide of youth

Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I say!
So when I told her she was getting fat,
She caved in my head with a baseball bat!

Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug

Here I lie snugger than that other bugger

Here lies an obnoxious punk
Played a loud stereo in his piece of junk
He came through my hood, which wasn't smart
Now he's buried under my tombstone art

Here lies hypochondriac Rick
For once he was right
When he said he was sick

Here lies Lisa who always played Lotto
And now she lies in this loamy grotto

Here lie the of bits & pieces
of Jumpin' George
Still had bungie cord left
At the bottom of the gorge

Here lies an old Atheist by the name of Joe -
All dressed up, but no place to go!

Here at rest lies Cowboy Joe
Grabbed the bull by the horns
But forgot to let go